Tuesday, November 10, 2009

God Knows

Exactly one year ago, on November 10th, 2008, I wrote this post.

I had recently gone through my 2nd miscarriage.

I had recently lost a baby who in mere days I had already become attached to...again.

I had gotten myself into a hole of self-pity, and even worse, a hole of doubt that the Lord loved me, and maybe even worse than that, a hole in which I somehow thought that God owed me something, since I had already gone through the pain of a miscarriage once that year. I had completely forgotten that God is sovereign, even when we dig ourselves a pit. And even when we get stuck in that pit.

The short of it? I was not in a good place. I pretended to be okay. But I wasn't. That post I wrote on November 10th, 2008? It was a lot more talk, than it was walk. I was trying to do what I knew was "right", but didn't really believe that doing what was right would have any impact on my life in any way. And I had no intentions of getting to a good place any time soon. I was ready to give up on trusting God.

God knew.

Thankfully, He had different plans. He encouraged me in amazing ways, through my husband, through my family, through my friends, and through my sweet son. Our pastor began a series on trials not long after my miscarriage that opened my eyes to truth - some truth that was new to me and some truth that I had heard before but had forgotten to take with me into that hole I was in.

God knew.

Not long after that, I got pregnant again. I didn't even know that I could get pregnant so soon, after my body had been so "altered" by the loss of our baby.

God knew.

I didn't take a pregnancy test at home. I went to the doctor for some other "issues", and supposed there could be a chance I was pregnant, so I wasn't totally surprised when the test came back positive. The nurse came out with the results and I looked at her and said, "okay". I wasn't surprised. I wasn't excited. I was numb. I was even somewhat bitter.

God knew.

The first 12 weeks of my pregnancy were not great. While I felt okay physically, I was on "pins and needles" emotionally. I had bleeding (sorry if that is too much information) for the entire 12 weeks, so I was on "modified bed rest". From week 5 to week 12, I was at the doctor 6 times. Every time I went in, I was scared of what "could be". While I so badly wanted to be excited and elated and thankful and all those other wonderful emotions a woman should feel when she is expecting a baby, I was filled with anxiety and fear and helplessness more than anything. I was so afraid that I would lose this baby as well.

God knew.

It was during these 12 weeks that I began to have a greater understanding of God, and my relationship with Him. I began to grasp the truth that grace is real. And that forgiveness is real. And that His love is real.

As I sat in church and listened to our pastor's sermons on trials (while he was in the midst of one himself), I became less anxious, less fearful, and less helpless. I became more trusting, and more okay with my need for Him. I was reminded that we can (and are called to be) content and joyful even while going through a trial. And, I was reminded that God doesn't owe me anything. He chooses to give at certain times, yet at other times, He chooses to take away. That doesn't change His awesomeness, His graciousness, or His love for His children.

And I became confident that no matter what His plan for this baby was, I was okay with it. It would be devastating for me to lose another precious baby, but I felt peace remembering that God already loved this baby that was inside of me....He even loved her more than I did...and however He chose to care for her would be best. Hard to hold fast to that, but He is gracious...

God Knew.

Well, you all know how this "story" unravels....exactly 10 months after I wrote that post on November 10th, 2008, Meredith was born.

God Knew.

As much as it hurt losing those two babies, I can't imagine my life without my sweet daughter. As much as I loved them from the moment I discovered I was pregnant, I can't imagine not having Meredith to love. As much as I wanted those babies to continue growing and thriving in my womb, I can't even begin to imagine life without my little girl, growing this side of my tummy. He had a greater plan for us. His plan was for Meredith to be part of our family. And oh how thankful I am for that.

God Knew.

And today, exactly 15 months from the time I wrote that post, Meredith is 3 months old! She is such a happy little baby and I absolutely adore her (as does the rest of our crew!). It is amazing to me to look back on the past year and see how God's plan has played out. Why I ever doubt that He knows what He is doing is beyond me.

He placed such a beautiful, healthy, smiley (and recently giggly), sweet, and precious little baby into our family. All along, He had Meredith in our futures. He had a plan more wonderful for us than I could have imagined.

He knew.

And I can't imagine it any other way.

Though I may not always understand what He is doing,

God Knows.

Happy 3 Months, Baby Girl!


Related Posts with Thumbnails